Hot Take

"CaptDale - is secretly British" (captdale) 08/08/2017 at 18:17 • Filed to: hot take

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Unfrosted strawberry Pop Tarts are the best Pop Tart ever made

!!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! (actually a fun read)

Deadspin puts it at #2

ttyymmnn > CaptDale - is secretly British 08/08/2017 at 18:21

3

True, but a frosted chocolate Pop•Tart™ warmed up in the microwave is pretty damned good.

WilliamsSW > CaptDale - is secretly British 08/08/2017 at 18:22

2

You are correct. Deadspin underrated the brown sugar cinnamon, those are better than the freaking S’mores.

jvirgs drives a Subaru > CaptDale - is secretly British 08/08/2017 at 18:24

1

warmed, frosted poptarts. yum

Honeybunchesofgoats > WilliamsSW 08/08/2017 at 18:25

2

It’s all about the brown sugar cinnamon.

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > CaptDale - is secretly British 08/08/2017 at 18:25

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Pop tarts are further proof that everyday we stray further from God.

WilliamsSW > Honeybunchesofgoats 08/08/2017 at 18:26

3

The ranking is dependent on whether you bother to toast them - brown sugar cinnamon sucks cold, but is awesome right out of the toaster. But not as awesome as setting your tongue on fire with the strawberry lava.

Honeybunchesofgoats > WilliamsSW 08/08/2017 at 18:29

1

This is a good point. I can’t remember the brown sugar ever trying to physically harm me.

WilliamsSW > Honeybunchesofgoats 08/08/2017 at 18:31

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Depending on your outlook, that could legitimately be a reason to move it up or down the list.

Textured Soy Protein > CaptDale - is secretly British 08/08/2017 at 18:35

1

The frosting is the best part of the Pop Tart, therefore any unfrosted Pop Tart variety must be ranked lower than every single frosted Pop Tart variety. The one exception to the frosting rule is Brown Sugar Cinnamon, because those are disgusting. Frosted cherry are pretty bad too.

Now, for the one true ranking of Pop Tarts flavors that actually matter:

1. S’Mores

2. Wildlicious Frosted Wild Berry

3. Cookies & Cream

4. Frosted Blueberry

5. Chocolate Fudge

6. Frosted Raspberry

7. Frosted Strawberry

The end.

Textured Soy Protein > WilliamsSW 08/08/2017 at 18:36

1

No, they’re actually terrible.

Bman76 (hates WS6 hoods, is on his phone and has 4 burners now) > Textured Soy Protein 08/08/2017 at 18:37

0

10/10 list, I agree 100%.

CaptDale - is secretly British > TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. 08/08/2017 at 18:38

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WilliamsSW > Textured Soy Protein 08/08/2017 at 18:39

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The S’mores, or the BSC? I think I had the S’Mores once, and was unimpressed - because nothing can compare to a real, live, campfire S’More.

CaptDale - is secretly British > WilliamsSW 08/08/2017 at 18:40

1

Toasted, the frosted Cinnamon Sugar is the best, but overall both toasted and untoasted the unfrosted Strawberry is best.

Textured Soy Protein > WilliamsSW 08/08/2017 at 18:40

1

Brown sugar cinnamon are disgusting. I hated when my mom got those when I was a kid. S’Mores are no substitute for a real s’more, of course, but judged on their own merits as a Pop Tart flavor, they are the best Pop Tart flavor. Those and Wild Berry are by far the top 2, no question.

CaptDale - is secretly British > jvirgs drives a Subaru 08/08/2017 at 18:40

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CaptDale - is secretly British > Textured Soy Protein 08/08/2017 at 18:42

0

WilliamsSW > Textured Soy Protein 08/08/2017 at 18:43

1

I actually like the BSC - but they have to be thoroughly toasted. Otherwise the stuff inside is a nasty, pasty, grainy abomination.

Hmm, pretty sure I’ve never tried Wild Berry - -I need to fix that maybe.

Textured Soy Protein > WilliamsSW 08/08/2017 at 18:44

1

Admittedly it’s been decades since I had one, but I always found the BSC ones tasted like vaguely sweet sand compressed into pastry, and no amount of toasting fixed that.

WilliamsSW > CaptDale - is secretly British 08/08/2017 at 18:45

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See - that’s why unfrosted Strawberry was always my go to - - delicious, regardless of whether I’m too goddamn lazy to toast them or not.

WilliamsSW > Textured Soy Protein 08/08/2017 at 18:46

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It’s been a while for me, too - - I like them kinda burnt, maybe that was enough to get it liquidy enough. But yeah, you’re not wrong about the sand thing at all.

Full of the sound of the Gran Fury, signifying nothing. > CaptDale - is secretly British 08/08/2017 at 18:48

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If you hold that opinion I can tell that you’ve never had watermelon pop-tarts.

Textured Soy Protein > WilliamsSW 08/08/2017 at 18:51

1

Wild Berry has all 3 berry flavors mixed together, with freaking purple and blue frosting straight out of the early 90s when they were first introduced.

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > CaptDale - is secretly British 08/08/2017 at 18:51

0

You should be burned at the stake.

SPAMBot - Horse Doctor > CaptDale - is secretly British 08/08/2017 at 18:57

0

This is the correct take.

WilliamsSW > Textured Soy Protein 08/08/2017 at 18:58

1

OK, I kinda fear the purple/blue frosting, but I need to try this anyways—

SPAMBot - Horse Doctor > SPAMBot - Horse Doctor 08/08/2017 at 18:58

0

Followed by frosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon

CaptDale - is secretly British > SPAMBot - Horse Doctor 08/08/2017 at 19:03

0

I agree 100%.

Third is frosted Strawberry

CaptDale - is secretly British > TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. 08/08/2017 at 19:04

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CaptDale - is secretly British > Full of the sound of the Gran Fury, signifying nothing. 08/08/2017 at 19:05

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That literally sounds the worst!

Full of the sound of the Gran Fury, signifying nothing. > CaptDale - is secretly British 08/08/2017 at 19:06

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Worse than bratwurst pop-tarts? They might be OK if they weren’t frosted :P

SPAMBot - Horse Doctor > CaptDale - is secretly British 08/08/2017 at 19:07

1

Chocolate or one of the other, oddball flavors are my #3. But honestly, 99% of my Pop Tart consumption (almost non-existent these days) are covered by 1 & 2.

punkgoose17 > CaptDale - is secretly British 08/08/2017 at 19:10

0

Frosted Pop-Tarts are much better than unfrosted Pop-Tarts. The best Pop-Tarts are the frosted ones that come in 16 packs becasue $.

And; all Pop-Tarts are the worst because I am allergic to all of them, and am still in mourning over this sad fact.

CaptDale - is secretly British > punkgoose17 08/08/2017 at 19:14

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What part of them are you allergic to?

That also makes you wrong

CaptDale - is secretly British > SPAMBot - Horse Doctor 08/08/2017 at 19:14

1

Same lol

CaptDale - is secretly British > Full of the sound of the Gran Fury, signifying nothing. 08/08/2017 at 19:15

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No they are Wurst.

At least the brat Pop Tarts have sauerkraut frosting.

Full of the sound of the Gran Fury, signifying nothing. > CaptDale - is secretly British 08/08/2017 at 19:23

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And mustard. Don’t forget the mustard...

CaptDale - is secretly British > Full of the sound of the Gran Fury, signifying nothing. 08/08/2017 at 19:26

0

Well yeah that is the drizzle

Full of the sound of the Gran Fury, signifying nothing. > CaptDale - is secretly British 08/08/2017 at 19:34

1

Now if only they’d make some filled with Deutscher kartoffelsalat I could have a proper German meal in convenient, car-friendly, form, as long as I have a beer that fits in the cupholder (now I understand why the cup holders in German cars were always so narrow...)

Screw that - my commute is only 2 miles and I do not eat in my car or imbibe whilst driving. People hate riding with me because the only thing allowed is water, and even that has caused enough damage (thankyouverymuch Wendy’s and your cheap-ass cups...)

CaptDale - is secretly British > Full of the sound of the Gran Fury, signifying nothing. 08/08/2017 at 19:38

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Yeah I would have the cleanest car as a parent. Sippy cups with water and unsalted peanuts only! Want a snack, too fucking bad. Want food, we will stop for food. Want something other than peanuts to eat, again too fucking bad.

punkgoose17 > CaptDale - is secretly British 08/08/2017 at 23:50

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The wheat flour they are made of. My allergy got really bad at age 23 and I had to stop eating wheat. Yes my body is wrong. I miss good pizza and good beer the most.

spanfucker retire bitch > CaptDale - is secretly British 08/09/2017 at 06:56

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Unfrosted pop tarts of any flavor are an abomination.

CaptDale - is secretly British > spanfucker retire bitch 08/09/2017 at 11:05

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CaptDale - is secretly British > punkgoose17 08/09/2017 at 11:18

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Hmm, my best friend is lactose intolerant and one of the best pizzas I have ever had was some vegan lactose free pizza. And I want to say it was gluten free also. I am assuming it is gluten or is it just a type of wheat?

That has to be hard. I had to change so many of my cooking habits for him lol.

punkgoose17 > CaptDale - is secretly British 08/09/2017 at 14:25

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Yes it is gluten, so I cannot have any wheat or msg

CaptDale - is secretly British > punkgoose17 08/09/2017 at 14:28

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Well MSG is gross and gluten free products are getting tastier and tastier

Turbineguy: Nom de Zoom > CaptDale - is secretly British 08/11/2017 at 22:16

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I feel I must share my theory on Pop Tarts and the socioeconomic and cultural influences that shaped their development. But first - a little history. In the beginning all toaster pastries were unfrosted - these were for real men who didn’t need the sugary spooge on their nummy toaster snacks. Country Squares from Post hit the shelves in 1964 and a year later were renamed Toast’em Pop Ups. But the folks at Kellogg’s weren’t just sitting on their un-frosted asses. No sir, they released the Pop Tart that same year 1964; it was the beginning of a toaster pastry juggernaut. Nabisco got in the game with Toastettes just a few years later in 1967 (discontinued in 2002) but was always regarded as an also-ran in the segment. Many years later (late 80s - early 90s est) both Quaker Oats and Pillsbury jumped into the fray with Quaker’s Toastables and Pillsbury’s Toaster Strudel, but their release signaled a turning point in the market where plain pastries just weren’t going to cut it anymore. No, the yuppies wanted frosted pastries that could be eaten without toasting and the food companies were happy to oblige (pacify?) them. It was at this point Kellogg’s realized they couldn’t risk losing market share and caved to the screaming hordes clamoring for frosted toaster pastries. It was truly a seminal moment in the breakfast snack wars. Today the market has splintered with the Pop Tart remaining king of the hill with 78 million consumers (2016 data), and the Toaster Strudel (33M consumers) becoming a hybrid with its sugary spooge being applied by the consumer. Toast’ems Pop Ups continues with under 7M consumers having long since been eclipsed by Kellogg’s and Pillsbury. Side note: Quaker applied for trademark protection for its Toastables No Crust in 2004 but curiously abandoned the application after the USPTO assigned a trademark serial number.

Bottom line? Kellogg’s has kept true to the original idea of unfrosted toaster pastries even while offering an arguably lesser quality product with their frosted Pop Tart line.